“Transformers: Age Of Extinction”
Director: Michael Bay
Screenwriter: Ehren Kruger
Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Nicola Peltz, Kelsey Grammer, Stanley Tucci, Jack Reynor, T.J. Miller, Peter Cullen, Frank Welker, Mark Ryan, John Goodman, Ken Watanabe
Runtime: 2 Hours 45 Minutes
Rating: PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi violence and action, language and brief innuendo.
Studio: Paramount Pictures
After Credits Scene? No
I’m just gonna jump right in. No summary of the “plot” or description of my expectations. None of that. This “film” doesn’t deserve that. It’s bad enough that I wasted nearly three hours of my time to this thing when I could have done more productive things in my life. But hey, I could take even more time out devoted to writing a “review” for this “film” so I could do something productive on my own – advocate anyone and everyone to avoid “Transformers: Age Of Extinction” like it’s a disease.
Really, it is a disease. The “Transformers” franchise as a whole has been diluted to a contagious disease that lingers around Hollywood and infects the industry. Michael Bay has really created something astonishing, but not in the way that I think he wanted it to be . . . or did he? Is he intentionally infecting Hollywood blockbusters to the point of automatic destruction? Do we blame Michael Bay for bringing upon this onslaught of overtly noisy blockbusters like “Battleship,” “G.I. Joe: Retaliation,” “World War Z,” “The Amazing Spider-Man 2,” “Wrath Of The Titans,” and “A Good Day To Die Hard?” Are his “Transformers” films the reason why we must go to the theater and see trailers and posters for the upcoming “Hercules” and “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?”
I believe that even if it’s not his fault, Bay sure as hell is trying to overtake them. With “Age Of Extinction,” he creates a “film” so loud, so obnoxious, so mindless, so computer-generated, and so mind-numbing that it makes all those other films look like top tier blockbusters on the level of “The Avengers.” This is the biggest example that I have ever seen in my life of when a summer blockbuster goes wrong.
There is no plot in this thing. None. Zilch. Zero. Nein. You can come up with some sort of thread of a sentence of a description for whatever the hell this monstrosity is, but you’d be fooling yourself. Things happen. Thing 1 doesn’t like Thing 2. Thing 1 tries to kill Thing 2. Yadda yadda yadda. Screw it. There’s nothing here. Just more bland debauchery continuously going on for, must I remind you, nearly three friggen hours!
Seriously . . . Oh My God . . . . . . . . . . like OH MY GOD!
This thing would not shut up. It was constantly booming loud with every explosion and scream and bomb and piece of music. My ears are still ringing as I write this. It’s unbearably monotonous to the point of no possible redemption . . . . . . . and that was an hour into the movie.
With all of the previous “Transformers” movies, I was able to have some fun with the action. Even in the abysmal second one, the showdowns in the forest and the desert had a tiny bit of spark in them that made them semi-entertaining. But here, the action scenes are atrociously boring. It’s the same crap that we’ve seen three times over in the past and it’s done even worse this time around. Bay even has the audacity to redo certain action scenes from the previous films but doubling everything to see if it’ll make anything better. As a result, every frame of the “film” is cluttered with a bunch of random colors that don’t mean anything to me and don’t excite me unlike past installments.
Of course, no one goes to a “Transformers” movie for the acting and dialogue. The problem is that should never be the case for any movie. I shouldn’t have the mentality that I should be so passive when an abysmal mess like this has Razzie-worthy acting and horrible dialogue. In today’s age, we have summer blockbusters that manage to balance the spectacle with smart dialogue and great actors. Just look at this summer’s “X-Men: Days Of Future Past” and “Edge Of Tomorrow.” These are terrific blockbuster movies that also manage to be even stronger films that are void of any bad dialogue. Here, we get lines from Optimus Prime like, “I vowed to never kill a human. But whoever is responsible for this . . . is going to die.” Honestly, the dialogue in this “film” would make M. Night Shyamalan proud.
Before I conclude this review, I need to give a message to those people defending this awful, atrocious thing. I hear a common statement made by the “Transformers” apologists that these films are just stupid movies based on toys and that audiences should just turn their brain off and enjoy the ride. The problem is that these people are failing to remember that we saw a movie based on toys not too long ago that disproves this ridiculous mentality:
That film was extremely smart and didn’t have to resort to feminist and racist stereotypes or a bunch of stupid explosions that would just never end. Instead, it had a focus on character, dialogue, and story. It made for a completely engaging film that even had some emotional resonance to it. That’s not something that the average audience member would expect out of a movie involving LEGO’s. So what gives “Transformers” a pass?
“Transformers: Age Of Extinction” is not a movie. It’s not even summer popcorn entertainment. There is no enjoyment that could possibly be had with this abomination. I know that a whole bunch of people will end up just going to see the movie anyway, but I implore you, if you have managed to stay away from it so far, continue down that path. You will be much safer and much smarter for the rest of your life. At one point in the movie, Stanley Tucci’s character says, “A flaw is a total failure.” If that’s the case, how do I describe this three hour flaw?
“Transformers: Age Of Extinction” gets NO RATING!
What did you guys think of “Transformers: Age Of Extinction” if you have seen it? Do you think I’m completely crazy or do you agree that this is an abomination against cinema? Comment below with your thoughts.
“Transformers: Age Of Extinction” is now playing in 2D, 3D, and IMAX 3D.
Thank you guys so much for reading and, as always, “Follow the Screen, Scene X Scene!”